Why I Didn’t Draw Last Week (And What I Learned About Myself)

This week I am just back from visiting one of my children.  I took my tablet with me, and my intention was to draw digitally while I was away.  It didn’t happen.  I just wasn’t feeling it, and now I’m wondering why and feeling slightly guilty about it.  I have a lot I want to do, and I had plenty of down-time.  In fact, I spent time reading when I could have been drawing.

Was it because I was away from my studio?  Was it because there were other people around?  I’m thinking It’s more the second option.  I don’t really like drawing when there are people who can overlook what I’m doing.  I’m just learning how to use Procreate, and it’s different enough from other digital drawing programs I’ve used that I’m needing to watch tutorials about it.  I did that one night while visiting when everyone else was occupied, but I still didn’t play around on my tablet with the program.

I’d like to think that I’m not so unconfident that being watched makes me feel uncomfortable, but I think that is part of it.  It is easier to display a finished piece than one in progress, especially when it’s at the beginning when things haven’t started to meld yet.  Easier, mind, not easy.  Most people who aren’t artists don’t understand the many iterations an art piece may go through before it is considered finished.  A lot of the stages are not attractive, and I don’t want to have to explain why something looks so bad before it’s done.  And yes, there are those around me who would comment.

I think artists have to have a thick skin to put their work out into the world even when it looks its best.  I truly admire artists who paint or work in public, regardless of who is watching.  I’ve wood burned in public at shows, but the initial drawing is already in place most times.  I’ve sketched at shows if I was doing a commission, but I truly don’t care to do it, and my overhead monitor would be off, limiting the amount that could be seen.  My assistant sits in my studio while I’m drawing, but she knows she can’t watch, and I’m still much more comfortable creating when I’m alone.

I know it takes all kinds and every artist is different, but artists have traditionally been considered rather isolated.  I was reading an article the other day that was advising artists on how to not be isolated, to get out there and actually talk to people and network.  Ugh.  So perhaps my being an artist and an introvert go hand-in-hand?  I do think many artists are also introverts, simply because working in a studio is isolating, and introverts like to be alone. 

I mean, who wants to be watched when one’s soul is leaking from their fingers onto the paper or canvas?  I find creating hard and I struggle when I’m doing it.  I’d die if I didn’t do it, but that doesn’t mean it comes easily to me.  When I create, I pour intention into the work as well, so my perception of the sacredness of nature is available to anyone who views the work.  I do record myself inking but never while drawing.  I don’t really like recording either, but it is mainly because it interrupts my workflow.  I think the knowledge of the distance of time between the act of creating and the availability of it being watched makes recording feel less vulnerable.

I know talking to other artists might be good for me, because most of us probably aren’t the bright, outgoing people we might watch on YouTube.  However, that means actually talking to people, and I don’t do that very well.  I was hoping exhibiting my art last month would make it easier for me to approach other artists, but it didn’t.  I enjoyed talking to the few that initiated conversations with me, but I was concentrating too hard on making appropriate responses to bring up any of my own thoughts.

So, I guess the answer to my “why” from the beginning of this blog post is pretty clear.  I’m not comfortable doing my thing around people because it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable.  Even if they are people who know and love me.  That feels a little sad, but I also know that it is truly how I am made, and for the most part I’ve accepted that.  I don’t mean that I can’t work on it, but I’m deciding to give myself grace and work on it gently.  I’m not going to feel guilty or embarrassed about being an extreme introvert.  I’ve read enough articles on it to understand that I am hard wired this way.  I’m also grateful for it, because I don’t think I would be able to express the things I do through my art without it.

So here I am home again, back in my studio and ready to work.  After recovering from being with other people 24 hours a day for the last 6 days, not to mention several hours of flying each way, I’ll get to it.  Well, maybe I’ll just wait until there’s no one around to keep popping in and out of my studio.  Yes, I’ll wait for that…